From early on in my marriage, I recognized that something wasn’t right, which created a “fix it” mode in me. A distance and a struggle lived beneath every aspect of our relationship. There was tension and a lack of closeness even when things seemed good.  It felt like a wall was before me, too high to scale and too thick to penetrate. I had an ache in my heart to connect and desperately looked for and presented resources that could help. Marriage Seminars and Bible Studies that gave me hope this barrier could be removed, but my suggestions continued to be rejected over and over.  I lived anxious to mend what was broken in my marriage. I constantly strived to do better, be better, and try harder to make things work.  

After the devastation of a second betrayal that shattered my heart, I committed to do whatever I needed to heal the perpetual cycle of pain I found myself in – chasing connection and intimacy yet never obtaining it.  One of the first things I learned on my healing journey was how I had wounds that created seeds of shame that wrote on the heart of who I believed I was.”You’re not good enough” was the lie at the core of my identity, twisting how I valued my worth.  Deep down, subconsciously, I didn’t feel I was good enough for anyone.  To compensate, I tried to be the best at everything—the best wife, mother, daughter, friend, and employee. Shame creates a counterfeit love based on performance and whispers; if you do all you can to make them happy, they will love you in return. I became enslaved to everyone around me, living to please others and sacrificing myself in the process.  

First, I had to recognize that I have no control over what others choose; however, I have a responsibility to honor who God created me to be and to walk in my worth and value. God specifically spoke to me regarding this. I abandoned myself to allow my husband not to give of himself.  Our marriage was not healthy and reciprocal; it was one-sided.  I was keenly aware of his needs, desperately trying to ensure they were met; however, I was betraying myself and not valuing my own needs or worth in the process. It is sad to say, but I didn’t feel like my needs mattered as much.  I had to face the truth that fear was my motive and that I did not create healthy boundaries around my worth and value. I believed the lie that If I could keep my husband happy, I would be safe and loved. I could not see that we were two deeply wounded people who used self-protection to guard our hearts, which prevented healthy love and bonding.

My drive to fix my marriage and my husband was a subconscious attempt to heal a wound in me.  I wrongly looked externally to fill a broken place only God could heal. Shame blinded me; the enemy used my blind spots to destroy my joy, confidence, peace, and relationships. These wounds impacted my identity and compromised how I valued who God created me to be.  I unknowingly tried to control my environment and people, creating an inevitable cycle of dysfunction.  

Thankfully, amidst this struggle, there is a beacon of hope. Jesus. He didn’t leave me in my shame, brokenness, and misguided understanding.  Jesus led me to healing, growth, and resilience, rooting my identity as His daughter.  God allowed everything to fall apart to align my heart and mind with His.  He didn’t leave me to fight this battle alone or in my own strength.  He is my protective Father, giving me His Living and Active Word to fight this battle. God’s Word destroys the enemy’s strongholds, freeing me from the grip of fear and molding me into who I am created to be. We are transformed when we open the Bible, believe the Words written, and live them out! God is good  – healing us and fighting for us –  even when everything is falling apart!